Heero's Journals
by daemonlight
Summary: Heero's musings on his partner. Companion piece to Paz Enai's Duo's Journals. Currently on hiatus. most likely permanently
1. Entry 1: A New Page

These characters are obviously not mine. I'm just borrowing them for a few moments. :Thinks of all the fun I could have if I had them, wicked grin: Too bad. --;

Heero's Journals.

Entry One: A new Page...

I was told to write if I experienced any emotions and separate them from me. As I think they're getting stronger with time, I doubt this will work, but I guess it's worth a shot. It's been a while since I found the urge to write, but I found my previous book was full. I guess I can't seem to shut up when talking to an inanimate object which no one will see. Oh well, whatever works right? So here I am starting a new page in a new book.

I don't know what I can say that you haven't heard before so I guess I'll write a little of everything that was in the other book as a starting point.

It's been four years of torture, knowing you're sitting right next to me but that you'd be disgusted if you knew how much I have to struggle to keep my emotionless facade up when all I want to do is snuggle up against you and purr my contentment. I don't know how my mind got so fixed on you. You were always there by my side it seems. Always there to watch my six. It hurt when you chose to leave and live somewhere else at the end of the war, but it's not like I ever gave you a reason to stay right? Then one day you appeared out of nowhere. I didn't know what to do, what with you just standing there, practically in the doorway, for so long. I wondered if you'd stay.

But you did stay.

Sometimes I wish... I were strong enough  
to say to your face what I try to hide inside...  
Sometimes I wish I could read your mind  
and know that I'm not the only one.  
I don't know if I even have anything more to give  
but for you I'd try...

Every day you work next to me with that boisterous energy that irritates me and intrigues me all the time and it gets harder to control myself; to fall back on the training that has gotten me through so much. No matter how hard I try to remain aloof, you never stop trying to provoke emotion out of me. And I wonder if and how you've seen the me behind my walls.

I'm not so different from everyone else. The reputation that I'm some perfect soldier has chased away many of these imbeciles they've tried to partner me with before I even did anything to them. :malicious grin: These stupid peacetime people pretending they knew what war was. I can't stand that. But to be fair... I haven't tried to change their minds. None of them were you; I shouldn't have held that against them, but I'd rather work alone then with the ghost of a memory.

It's a dream...

Always a dream...

I should know from the start because I'd never get up the courage to actually face you with out the walls, without my masks. Yet here I am curled up against your side, where I want to be, letting someone else be strong for once. But every time I allow myself to dream, to believe, to follow along as if this time might be different. And I won't wake up alone. It hurts so much sometimes it's almost a physical pain and I want to chase you away to be left alone again.

Going into a situation blind has never been my strong suit... I always have to know what I'm going to encounter and then how to react and that's what makes this so unbelievably impossible. Just by the nature of the situation and that emotions are involved this is a given. That 'leap of faith' or something... but I'm too afraid to throw it all away.

So instead I hide and watch you from afar and wish you all the happiness in the world...

Regardless of what I wish...


	2. Entry 2: Broken Memories

These characters are obviously not mine. I'm just borrowing them for a few moments. :Thinks of all the fun I could have if I had them, wicked grin: Too bad. --;

Heero's Journals.

Entry Two: Broken Memories...

Today I sat out on the cliffs for hours, staring over the edge. Not looking at anything, stuck in my mind, trying not to yell out across the chasm. I had to have some distance. Today was a mess. Bits and pieces run through my vision as I close my eyes trying to erase the memory.

I remember standing there in shock, that it was gone. It wasn't much; the sort of thing I normally wouldn't look at twice. Today was the first day I put it out to see if maybe you would notice. Your face showed you had no idea what happened as you kept trying to apologize.

I shake my head trying to forget my own stupidity; thinking it meant more then it did.

You saw my weakness, as I fought for control. Standing there in our office in front of you. I was witness to the disgust on your face. And my world fell apart.

Then all I needed was for you to be quiet.

And I left the pieces scattered and the door slammed in my haste to retreat. I vaguely remember brushed off questions as I stalked down the hall.

How is it that one small thing can have so much meaning to one person. And the other has forgotten. If that doesn't tell me where I stand I don't know what does. Yet I wrap my arms around myself, pretending for a moment you've cared to come find me. The air is starting to take the chill of night, but I'm not ready to enter the real world again.

Now I lay back and look at the stars. Oh how I wish I were back up among them. The one place it's so easy to forget who you are.

I think I'll need to ask to work alone again. But I don't know which will hurt more. Having you near, knowing you're unreachable, or out of my sight as well as out of my reach. I guess I just have to get used to dealing with what I can get.

You were so close these past weeks, I thought that maybe I could put myself out there and take a chance. See if there was any chance what-so-ever that we could be more than what we are. Maybe I was just searching for signs to fit what I desire.

I turn to my side and curl in on myself, wishing I could put this away, just to get some closure. So I can be free of it all. But I also want to hold you close and know you're mine...

...And I am yours.

But that's not the way things work. So I will get up. Ignoring those parts of me that want to run and hide away. Tomorrow I will apologize and move on.

- - - - The next day - - - -

I went into work early today. Everything from yesterday still needs to be done.

I've been working for a while when I hear footsteps behind me. There's a hesitant 'Hi" as he tries to gauge what I'm like today. Sighing, I turn around to get this over with.

"Sorry."

Blink. "For what?"

I sigh. Can't just accept that can he? Of course not. That'd be way too easy.

"I shouldn't have snapped like that. But, I knew you were sorry. You didn't need to say it five million times. Life goes on. There was still work to be done, and now none of it got done…" My tone brisk in an effort to forstall any further conversation. Especially further into this topic... No such luck.

"Yeah… I was going to apologize again..."

Please don't start again.

"...but I guess I can skip that part huh?" He pauses and offers up uncertainly, "If there is any way I can make it up to you…?"

"Duo, just sit down. We're both a half day behind on work now." I'm still not in the mood to deal with his nonsense. 'Please' I make a silent entreaty 'just let it go'

"It would make me feel better if I could make it up to you." He sounds more sure of himself now.

I sit quietly for a moment, mentally assessing him. What should I tell him? Eventually I take the easiest answer; ignoring the twisting feeling inside. "I guess you'll just have to wait a few months then."

He gives me this blank look, "Huh?" and all of a sudden it's all I can do to keep from laughing. God how pathetic.

"It was the first birthday present I had ever received, Duo, and clearly you are as numb-skulled as you act because you were the one to give it to me six years ago."

Dismissing him as best as I can, I turn around to face my desk again. After a few moments I hear him moving towards his desk in the background. There's work to be done and I DO NOT feel like dealing with this any more. So I concentrate on the form in front of me with more concentration then it deserves and put the last few bricks of my defenses back in place.

And if there are a few cracks left over...

...most likely no one will be able to get close enough to tell the difference.


	3. Entry 3: Drinking

These characters are obviously not mine. I'm just borrowing them for a few moments. :Thinks of all the fun I could have if I had them, wicked grin: Too bad. --;

Please be nice, I did this in like an hour while I was trying to do an english paper.

Entry Three: Drinking ...

:groan:

I got drunk last night... very drunk. Please someone stop me before I do that again.

I don't remember too much of last night after we got the call saying everything was tied up, which led to him having the brilliant idea to drink THAT much alcohol. Brief moments flash through my mind as though pieces of a movie watched a long while ago.

We had decided to try out this new place that intrigued him recently... I can't even remember the name. I don't think it was really a bar or a club as he said it was supposed to be. It was more like getting drunk in your own house rather then in a bar, being in a little closed off room like that. I thought the whole point of going to either of those was to be social. Although granted, I don't know much about the whole scene. It's more of an excuse to be near him when not working. Anyway... back to the point; I'm not sure that I liked the place all that much. But I did get to spend time alone with him; always a plus.

We got settled in, like we always do after a long case. Just letting go. Which usually means me sitting there letting his comforting babble wash over me and occasionally adding noises of assent or denial as needed.

Then we were about to call it a night as I got THE CALL. The point that sparked this whole ... adventure for lack of a better term. Everything's a wrap, and we were free to do as we pleased. I was loathe to leave if I didn't have to, and it seemed he felt the same. For a while we sat there, just continuing on as we were. Some time later I had closed my eyes for a second and stretched out, trying to actually let myself relax into his presence, (something I've been trying to do lately) when I hear him leave and then come over towards the table again.

'Well, it's here and we're here, sooooo... why not!' and a bottle is plunked down in front of me.

All I do is raise an eyebrow, and he gives me this innocent look, that I _swear_ he knows is nearly impossible for me to resist. So I pick up the bottle and we're off...

This is where everything starts to get fuzzy. I vaguely remember bits and pieces; leaning on your shoulder; you trying to get me to join you in singing. And honestly I can't be sure that I didn't... O god. Please tell me I didn't. I hope you don't remember.

I remember talking about things. On both our parts. I got to see that part of you that sometimes peeks out from behind the mask you wear, and will deny vehemently when sober. Though to be honest, it's refreshing. I wouldn't change you for anything, but it's nice to sometimes know you're reachable. That you worry about some of the same things I do...

I definitely let slip more then I should have last night. Talking about fears, and hopes and... yeah. God, I wonder if I said that last night was part of my fear. Wouldn't be that off base. There's a reason I usually stop where I do.

I _know_ I don't handle liquor well. What possessed me to take you up on that... I may never know. I suspect I just wanted to be near you. Stupid. Stupid. Stupid...

There are things that are better left unsaid. And parts of me that should remain hidden away.

Yes, I'm afraid of changing. Of letting my walls drop. Of what will happen when I'm unprotected. Of you getting further inside then you already are. And what will occur afterwards. So yes, I am afraid.

I'm almost afraid to face you after that. Especially since I'm not perfectly clear on what I said. But I'm pretty sure I won't be in a position where you can bring anything up. I know that you won't say anything out of line where it will make me truly uncomfortable. I wonder if you know I've realized that. You always make sure to let me portray myself as I will, though you could say so much to change peoples minds.

Always watching my back. Even now.

The only person I trust to be there.

God how maudlin. It's high time to get up and start the day. It's only... 1330 after all.

:sigh:


	4. Entry 4: A good idea at the time

These characters are obviously not mine. I'm just borrowing them for a few moments. :Thinks of all the fun I could have if I had them, wicked grin: Too bad. --; 

Heero's Journal

Entry Four: a good idea at the time.

Yesterday, I broke our routine.

People think that I'm so quiet I probably don't have any problem with saying the wrong thing, but I speak when I know I shouldn't. Yet knowing this doesn't stop the words from spilling out of my mouth, beyond my control.

Usually we merely acknowledge the other's leaving. The only exception is when Duo asks me to go out drinking with him. Neither was true this time. I spoke up. He stayed at my call and for a moment I didn't know what to say. But I did.

"Is it true you're tired of living in an apartment?"

It was. And I knew it. As if I would let myself do anything without acquiring any data I could about the situation… But this all must play out to the script set before me.

Everything he said made sense. Brought me back to places I didn't want to be, but I knew exactly what he meant.

He made the offer.

I accepted.

He was completely taken by surprise and I could have professed to be joking at any point. I waited for the words to leave my lips. But I plowed right on. Speeding through stop signs.

"Do any of them match?"

He leaned down over me to look at the houses I have chosen. I couldn't help but briefly close my eyes and revel in him being so near. Bringing to the forefront of my mind other times, different places we have been.

I have to catch my breath. That this is a bad idea flashes through my head.

I try to ignore it.

Feeling safe and protected just from him above me, no physical contact happening at all, I have to bite my lip when he recedes. I try to keep from leaning after him.

Please stay a little longer.

And that is what I mean.

"They are ordered by preference. Which was your favorite?"

He leans over again to point to one a couple down and I feel his warm breath on the back of my head.

"That one, it was about the same on my preference list as yours until I saw it, it's nicer in person"

It takes me a moment to understand what he's saying but then it hits me.

There is a house. Tomorrow we will go look at it… together.

I went home in high spirits. Thinking about how great it will be that we both got something we wanted.

Today I called him gold… If only he knew.

But here in the dark quiet of early morning, my brain has re-engaged and as is often the case, now that I'm thinking about it, I have changed my mind.

I refused to admit to the reality of it; refused to acknowledge that I knew full well what I was doing.

Now this will happen.

How do I do this?

I'm not trying to say I don't want to live with him. I do. So badly sometimes I can't keep it from hurting. I just don't want it like this.

Can I take only this and nothing more? Accept his friendship and let it be? How long I wonder will it be before he knows the truth… and then I will have nothing.

It's so hard to be here during the day and have to interact while my heart feels like it's breaking, but now there will be no escape.

He will be everywhere.

* * *

This is more depressing then I intended it to be. Sorry. > ;

Please be kind, I'm trying to get back into writing after a long while...


	5. Entry 5: My Little Secret

These characters are obviously not mine. I'm just borrowing them for a few moments. :Thinks of all the fun I could have if I had them, wicked grin: Too bad. --; 

Heero's Journal

Entry Five: My Little Secrets

Today we bought a house.

Well that's not entirely true, we haven't bought it yet, but a contract has been set up. Soon it will be ours.

Now that I've begun to wrap my head around everything and got mostly past the denial and hyperventilation part of this show, we went to see the house and finalize everything.

When they went to greet me I shook my head slightly. They gave us both weird looks. I guess it might seem weird when two people who visited separately come again. Together. Especially if they're both males.

For a moment I thought Duo caught the look, and I worried that he would figure it out. But I witnessed several emotions run through his eyes…

Sadness?

No. I shake my head. Get back on track.

I let Duo give me the tour of the house and show me things he wanted me to see, the things he found special about this house. Every once in a while quietly inputting something. Finally he had a few questions he wanted to ask the owners so I wandered off and, once I was sure he was otherwise involved, went to the things I like most about this house.

The first I stumbled on by accident. This house is so old it has hidden passage ways. Some of them have ways out of the house, but there's a little… room? ... through the closet in the master bedroom that I would love to have access to.

The house isn't that large, but still, with the difference in how a house looks from the inside and the outside; the builders were able to conceal several small hiding spaces. At least that's all I've found so far.

I did go back to the closest place and traced the invisible outline.

There's another secret. Going there would be impossible though. And I don't want any one to know about it just yet.

For a little while I just wandered. This house really is beautiful in person.

By the time I got back, they were wrapping up and I was just in time to ask a few questions of my own. Things I had forgotten to bring up last time. Once we both were satisfied by the answers we received, we started to banter about the price. The number we finally settled on assured me they had no knowledge of the beauty residing within their reach.

After the matter of the house was resolved I found myself dragged off again. Looks like we're going out.

You led me back to that bar we went to the last time. I guess you enjoyed it. Tonight though I made sure to watch what I drank. There were a few times I had to grab your hand to keep you from pouring me more. You gave me this pout, and I almost gave in, but not this time. I have to learn to stick on this point. Or things will happen that are not so much of the good.

Finally I maneuvered you away from the alcohol and managed to convince you it was time to leave.

We got back to your house and I tried to put you down on the couch, but that turned out to be a bad idea. You kept your arms latched around my neck and I fell down on top of you.

Hey, what can I say? I wasn't i _completely_ /i sober.

I tried to get up, but you just held tighter. Like you didn't want me to go. Your lips brushed against my own. Looking up at me with a shy expression like I have never seen…

I couldn't help but lean in and give myself to this moment.

……………………Today I got my first kiss.

It wasn't much but it was. And you don't remember.


End file.
